Snarky Transvestites from Planet X (or my preseason NFL rankings)

Now that I have your attention...

With the rest of the world watching Obama's coronation, it seems like an appropriate time to offer my NFL preseason rankings. This is how the teams look going into this year:

ELITE

Patriots: The only team that comes into this season with an elite ranking. Sure, they lost the Super Bowl, but they still have Brady and Moss and Welker and Maroney and a good offensive line and a decent defense. I don't think they'll go undefeated again, but they are THE team to beat.

EXCELLENT

Colts: This team just looks ready to break down. If Manning goes down, so do the Colts. But until they do, they have to be considered an excellent team.

GOOD

49ers: The Cinderalla Niners will shock a lot of people this year, and are my pick for NFC Champ. Frank Gore does his best Marshall Faulk impression, while J.T. O'Sullivan becomes this year's Kurt Warner in Mike Martz's offense. Watch WR Josh Morgan too, who has had a nice preseason as a 6th round pick. If Mike Nolan can get some defense going on this team, they could be scary good.
Cowboys: There is nothing wrong with the Boys. They have the talent. They will be the team to beat in the NFC, but I see them losing in the playoffs again. They have no character, but plenty of characters.
Panthers: If Delhomme stays healthy, this team goes far. Welcome the newest running back sensation, Jonathan Stewart. Like the 49ers, the only question in Carolina is the defense.
Jaguars: With another year under QB David Gerrard's belt, the Jags will challenge the Colts for division dominance.
Chargers: This team is still good. But with OLB Shawne Merriman playing on two torn knee ligaments, expect the defense to take a hit.

AVERAGE

Texans: I have seen more than a few prognosticators call for a big year from the Texans. While I think they will be better, they have too many guys with injury histories, starting with QB Matt Schaub, and including running backs Ahman Green and Chris Brown. That said, their defense is quite respectable. But they have to show me they can stay healthy if they are to rank any higher than this.
Broncos: This is the year Jay Cutler enters the ranks of elite quarterbacks. The running game should be servicable with Selvin Young. The defense is still a question mark though.
Steelers: The Steelers should be challenged for the division title by the Browns this year. The Steeler defense gives them the edge.
Browns: The best team not to make the playoffs last season should be able to slip in as a wild card this year. If the Steelers slip, the Browns should move in for the division title.
Redskins: Every year they come loaded for bear, and every year they disappoint. This team will surprise, possibly even shooting the Cowboys from the top.
Packers: Without Favre, the Packers aren't bad. The problem here is QB Aaron Rodgers' injury history, plus his attitude.
Vikings: Adrian Peterson starts out strong, then gets hurt. This team's success rides on Peterson's ship.
Giants: No Osi, no Strahan. Welcome back to Earth G-Men.
Eagles: Donovan McNabb's last season will end early with his annual injury. Next year, he goes to Chicago.
Seahawks: This is the most boring team which still manages to win a lot of games. Holmgren is a good coach, but even good coaches can't make filet mignon out of hamburger.
Bills: The Toronto Bills just sounds wrong, much like "Bills win the Super Bowl" sounds wrong.
Bengals: The Bungles should be a little better this year, but they still have no defense.
Jets: You weren't honestly expecting that adding Brett Favre instantly makes this sorry team a playoff contender? After this season, Jet fans will long for the carefree days of Chad Pennington and Herman Edwards.
Titans: QB Vince Young needs to age a little more quickly. In his defense, they haven't exactly given him any receivers. At least he should be able to have a running game (LenDale White and rookie Chris Johnson) to take some pressure off him.
Saints: Reggie Bush = bust (and I don't mean the Canton style either).
Lions: This is the year WR Calvin Johnson breaks out. Unfortunately, the rest of the team is still stuck in neutral.
Buccaneers: This will be Jon Gruden's last year as the Bucs coach (because he will be fired), so expect it to be like a bad "Chuckie" movie.
Bears: If you're Lovie Smith, and when you have to choose between quarterbacks Kyle Orton and Rex Grossman, you walk down to the front office and say, "You're killing me guys!"
Raiders: If you want to have some fun, listen to coach Lane Kiffin's press conference, and try to interpret the subtle messages Kiffin is sending to Al Davis. The sad thing about the whole Kiffin-Davis divorce-in-the-making is that this team isn't that bad. QB Jamarcus Russell should be fun to watch, and Darren McFadden should be a great running back. The defense is decent too. But this team has no chemistry.

BAD

Falcons: The Matt Ryan era begins in Atlanta. This team looks like it just might generate some offense, but don't expect miracles. The Falcons have a long way to fly.
Cardinals: Matt "Hollywood" Leinart can't seem to unlodge Kurt Warner from the starting quarterback job, which is a sad commentary on this team's front office. I would tell Cardinal fans to expect a long year, but they should be used to that by now.
Rams: It will take more than one season of rebuilding to revive this team.
Ravens: Quoth the Raven, "Not this year..."
Dolphins: Hey Dolphin fans! Get used to hearing this: "And the punting team comes out..."
Chiefs: Remember that great draft the Chiefs allegedly had? Unfortunately, they didn't get a new coach. This team will actually get worse. If you enjoy watching Herm Edwards blow his stack in press conferences, you will love this season.